So many people read our blog, some know our history and others do not. Very few people know the WHOLE story, so here is my attempt to tell it. Although, I must say, this is so much more than a story its my testimony and because of God's grace I am here to tell it and give him ALL the glory.
I grew up in a Christian home. There is a picture of me just a few weeks old with my parents at church. I cherish that picture, partly because it's one of the few I have of me and my dad. At the tender age of 5 years old, my father passed away. I remember snippets of what happened and how it effected our family. I remember the newspaper coming by to do a story on it and the reporter giving me and my little sister play dough to entertain us. I remember seeing my mother cry, and going to the memorial service. For the next 3 years I was raised with my 3 sisters by our incredibly strong, amazing single mother. She gave us everything we needed, most of the things we wanted and was always our biggest supporter. She married my step-father also known on the blog as "Poppy" when I was in the third grade. I remember almost everything about that! :)
Growing up I had a normal childhood. Normal to me I guess...it probably threw off strangers who saw two blonde headed, blue eyed white people with 4 half black children. But, it didn't matter to us. I learned at a very early age to love people because of who they are not what they looked like. I am so thankful to have received that life lesson early on.
I was blessed to be surrounded by loving family, christian friends and a wonderful environment to grow up in. As a youth I got to travel out of the country on several mission trips with my church, I got to spend weekends at lake houses with friends and go to church camps. I got to be innocent and enjoy my childhood; that is not something I take for granted.
After graduating from high school in 2006 I prepared to leave the little bubble I had always known to go to college. I was forced to make new friends, search for what I really believed in and decide what freedoms I would partake in. My freshman year was rather smooth, I met tons of people (including my now bff, Krystle) and enjoyed being 18/19 years old. However during this time my mother became severely ill and nearly died. This shook me to the core, I was SO afraid of losing my only living biological parent and it did something to me. I began to medicate my pain with living a lifestyle completely opposite to what I grew up being taught was right.
(these girls were/are amazing women of God, just some of my college friends)
Sophomore year came, Dwight and I began to date and things quickly turned bad. We were both so broken and looking in ALL the wrong places to be healed. Soon after we started dating I found out I was pregnant with Tristan (in the bathroom of a Walmart, but that's a WHOLE nother story. Ha!!). I was absolutely in shock. I was hurting, scared, confused and couldn't believe how one moment could change my life, forever. I of course told Dwight and things went pretty much down hill from there. Our dysfunctional relationship was not going to get any better by having a baby (no one's will). There we were, 19 years old and 22 years old, unmarried, very broken and expecting a baby.
About 3 months into my pregnancy Dwight and I broke up and parted ways, having very limited contact with one another up until Tristan's birth. Even then we would barely speak/see each other and looking back we both feel that was God's protection over all three of us. We needed to be separated, we needed to heal, we needed to cling to the Lord and not each other. I still can't believe that God gave us such a precious little boy who gave us each a reason to want to do better.
As I have mentioned before or you have probably figured out, Tristan and Amari are very close in age; 6 weeks apart. Clearly, there were many facets to our brokenness, some of which devastated me and Dwight both. Our lives looked like a COMPLETE mess. I mean really, looking back there is NO other reason why we overcame it, other than the POWER of God in our lives and the blood of Jesus Christ that covered all of our sin.
After a few attempts at reconciliation, I had come to grips with the fact that Dwight and I were not meant to be. I would contact him or hear from him once every seven/eight months and continue to live my life raising our son alone. Overtime I found freedom from my past wounds and healing from the wrongs that had been done to me and I had done to others. It was a messy, ugly season that I would never want to repeat, but would never change.
I depended on God to give me the strength and energy to get through each day. I continued my college education, devoted myself to being a mother and s-l-o-w-l-y found myself able to pray for Dwight. I was so hurt, angry and bitter towards him, that for a while I wished the absolute worst for him. God began to lovingly convict my heart and I knew I could not go on any longer harboring hate in my heart. I forgave him. I prayed for him. I moved forward with my life. It wasn't until then that I truly understood that forgiving others is as much for the one offering as it is for the ones receiving it.
Through out much of this process I was in intense therapy. From the time I was 3 months pregnant until after Tristan's birth I saw an amazing counselor who I credit for much of my progress (through God's grace). I will forever be grateful to him. He helped me uncover painful things from my past (my dad's passing and mothers illness) that I had not dealt with and contributed to the path I went down. He also gave me tools to understand and change the way I was feeling and acting. I know I will take so much of what he taught me in counseling and use it as I begin to counsel others as a therapist.
I think it is so easy to judge people and think that you know who they are, when in reality you have no clue. My only intent in telling my testimony is for one reason and one reason only. To tell you that NO ONE is too broken, too lost, too damaged, too bad or too ugly to receive forgiveness from God and have another chance at living the life He always intended for you. God took my many mistakes and the mistakes of others in my life that could have caused me harm and turned them into something beautiful. As a christian I of course believe in God...I also believe in Satan. I know I have an enemy whose goal is to steal from, kill and destroy me. Thankfully my God is much bigger than my enemy and he always prevails!!
I don't know where you are at in your life or where you've been. But it is my earnest prayer that the readers of my blog see my family and see that we have been redeemed. We have a story, we have a purpose but more importantly we have a heart to share our past with others and encourage them to overcome life's obstacles and cling to Christ. He is the only thing that will save you.
The enemy would rather us be ashamed that we had a baby before we got married, that we have sons who are 6 weeks apart and that we did many other things out of order. But that isn't God's heart. Most of the people in the Bible had a past that no one was willing to overlook, except Jesus. He never turned someone away for their sins. He embraced them, he loved them and most importantly he spoke truth to them. Who doesn't have skeletons in their closet? We ALL do. No one is better or more righteous than another. I think this is the reason Dwight and I never tell people that the boys are twins, because they aren't. And trust me, we get asked almost every day, multiple times a day. Sometimes it annoys me, sometimes is embarrasses me, but God ALWAYS reminds me that we have no reason to be ashamed and neither do our boys. They have a purpose, they are NOT mistakes. We are proud of them and we love them.
And they love each other. They are best friends.
Most of us have triggers and if someone brings them up it takes us back to a place in our life that caused us pain. Maybe its someone asking you "how many kids do you have?" when you have lost a child. Or "where do you work?" when you just lost your job. Satan wants those moments to make us crumble and hurt. God wants those moments to remind us of his faithfulness and GLORY. We can all do a better job uplifting people instead of casting stones upon them as if we have never fallen. I think this is partly one of the reasons I am so protective over my family and will not allow any negative comments on our blog. No, we are not perfect (and never claim to be) but neither is anyone reading our blog. I know first hand that people can change, that prayer does work and that you should never lose hope.
I have no clue where God will continue to take my family but I do know that no matter where it is, we will always sing of His praises. Dwight and I know what its like to hit rock bottom and it hurts. We also know what its like to be lifted from rock bottom to a place of restoration and it is the most amazing thing, ever. I would never change our past. God has used it to mold us into the people we are today and instill a passion in us to use our story and bring him glory.
